Have you ever felt so lost you didn’t know who you truly were? What really made you happy or what you really aspired to be like? For the last few months this is how I have been feeling, and no it doesn’t feel good. I have been in a constant funk. There are days where I’m like a walking vessel, smiling, chatting, laughing but really I’m feeling nothing. I’m in a menial Job that I only wanted to be in for maximum one year, but I can’t fault it. Although the hours are not ideal the people are great, caring and honestly want to see me excel but how do I do this when I don’t know what I want to do?
I say all I want to do is travel and although this is one hundred percent true it seems like each day travel seems further and further away. I feel like I’m never going to reach my destination, something is always going to be in the way. Whether it be money, life or people. I feel like I’m never going to see any of the places I want to.
Although I try so so hard to not let my weight get me down, I still have those days. Don’t get me wrong I have awesome days where I feel attractive as hell and am super happy with my progress but along with everyone else going through the journey of excepting oneself I still frequently have those days where I can’t bare to see myself in the mirror. I get so angry at myself for my body image and even though I know this is not helping me at all I can’t seem to see past the faults and insecurities that I have. There are days when all I can think is, why did you let yourself become so fat? I hate those days.
Recently I have started cosplay and although I am utterly enjoying myself with the freedom it gives me I can’t help but feel that it isn’t me. It’s never been me. Even though I really enjoy it I still feel like I’m doing it to just fit in, to find new friends as I don’t make friends easily.
I’m changing, it’s strange. I’ve always been a country girl, always loved animals, but why do I let that define me? Why can’t I let myself change? I’ve had a few people tell me I’ve really changed since I’ve moved out of home, that I’ve become a city girl and for some reason that really hurts me, I don’t know if its because of who said it to me or the fact that I’m so scared to change, but I know I have. I’ve grown up, I’ve had to, I’ve got bills now, a home, responsibilities.
I know I have many people who care about me, number one being my partner and don’t get me wrong I am so happy to be with him and to be alive and I can’t wait for my future, our future to progress but right now I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, it all just feels so very overwhelming. I know we have goals, dreams and big travel plans in the making but it all seems so far away, like it will never actually arrive. But trust me I will never actually give up on my dreams, they may only be dreams now but one day I will make them a reality, and I can’t wait for that day!
Now I don’t want to be sorry for this post as it is my blog and I want to feel comfortable posting whatever I want and today I was just feeling a little down, thought having an outlet may help; we’ll see.
Thank you if you are someone in my life who cares for me, I love you.
Even if you’re just a reader, Thank you for taking your time to read my post, I hope it may possibly help someone out there who may be going through similar issues and I also hope it helps me.
Until Next Time